Dear Mary Murphy,
I love me some So You Think You Can Dance. Actually, let me qualify that…I love the actual dancing parts of So You Think You Can Dance. Sadly, however, this accounts for approximately 25 minutes of a 2 hour show. But, I’m willing to let that slide. I can deal with the filler. I don’t mind having to learn what the dancers would be doing if they couldn’t dance, or what each dancer thinks their partner’s most annoying habit is. I can handle the not-that-interesting musical performances and the random professional dance acts. I can even put up with the seemingly arbitrary views and often self-contradicting opinions of the judges and the capricious voting of "America". What I cannot put up with, Mary Murphy, is you and your screeching and your stupid hot tamale train.
History has shown us that catch phrases are a source of pure evil. (Ok, maybe that’s just me, but you should really trust me on this.) I just don't get them. What is funny about Arnold Jackson saying “What ‘choo talking ‘bout, Willis?” or Urkel saying “Did I do that?” Especially when it is in Every. Single. Episode.
Actually, I don’t really mind the ones that aren’t so artificial. The best ones, like Homer’s “d’oh” or Rerun’s “Hey hey hey” (Not to be confused with Fat Albert’s “Hey hey hey”) at least fit naturally into conversation (an expression of annoyance and a greeting respectively) and seem to make sense.
The other ones, the evil ones, have a whole vibe of a pause and a knowing look and the whole stupid audience going “Ooh, I bet he’s going to say it!” And then the phrase is spoken and everyone is like “He said it! Did you hear that? I thought he wasn’t going to say it, but then he totally said it! That thing he says all the time! He said it!” Really, what is that about, audience? Ya’ll are stupid.
Which brings me back to you, Mary Murphy. I literally have to fast forward the DVR through all of your “judging” of the dancers. While I don’t doubt your ballroom dancing bona fides, you usually choose not to use this expertise. Instead, you just ramble and then scream (horribly, ear-piercingly, completely unnecessarily) to the point that the other judges have to plug their ears to avoid permanent hearing loss. And while the screaming is bad enough, it’s the loathsome catch phrase that really pushes me over the edge.
Good dancers are told that they have tickets for or are riding on board something called the “hot tamale train.” What is that, Mary? Is it a train that transports hot tamales? Is the train made of hot tamales? Is it filled only with figurative sexy-dancer tamales or are there literal food tamales on board as well? Are you the authorized ticketing agent for the train? Are you the conductor? How does it work?
Even if it made sense I would still hate it for the simple fact that it just an excuse for you to get more airtime and act like an idiot. Nigel, despite his protests of hating the screaming, eggs you on by saying stuff like “I think I hear a train coming.” He’s such an enabler. The dancers have even bought into this nonsense by seeming happy that you are screaming and spouting gibberish. Really dancers, is causing Mary to scream better praise than Debbie Allen saying “your dancing was good. You are really talented. I enjoyed your performance”?
I hate this kind of thing because it is all schtick. None of it is genuine. It is not a real emotional response to a performance, but a completely contrived moment crafted for television and marketing.
But whatever, Mary. Do your thing, I guess. Nigel is the Executive Producer, and he seems happy with the screeching, so you're all set.
And I have my trusty DVR remote, so not only do I not have to listen to you, but I can compress the whole show into the ½ hour it deserves.
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