Don't stoop.

Dear Bradley Cooper

I have not come here to discuss your most recent movie, All About Steve, which looks dreadful by the way. What is happening with Sandra Bullock’s hair? But I digress. Again, the relative merits, or lack thereof, of the terrible-looking Steve movie is water under the bridge. It’s in the can, and there’s nothing to be done about it, so lets move on the to real issue.

Bradley, while you may not be a household name, it’s not like you just came into being this summer. Yes, The Hangover was a huge hit, and it may have catapulted you up a few rungs on the fame ladder. But let’s review your pre-Hangover career, shall we?

It’s not like you were waiting tables. First off, you were the antagonist in one of the most popular comedies in recent memory, Wedding Crashers. You’ve got a cult classic on your resume (Wet hot American Summer), and you’ve costarred with some big names: Matthew McConaughey, Jim Carey, Paul Rudd, all those famous kids in that terrible, terrible “He’s Just Not That Into You”. Your TV resume isn’t light either. In addition to a bundle of guest starring roles on everything to Law & Order to Sex and the City, you were a main character for several seasons on Alias, and you held the lead in the quite funny but quickly canceled sitcom (Kitchen Confidential).

You’ve also held you own on the celebrity dating front. In addition to a brief marriage to Jennifer Esposito, you’ve been liked with Cameron Diaz, Jennifer Aniston, and Renee Zellweger. And this is not like back before they were famous. I think you broke up with Aniston last week.

Anyway, this finally leads me to my point, which is this: you should really object to being referred to as “ The Hangover’s Bradley Cooper.” What’s that about? Your costar is not billed as “The Proposal’s Sandra Bullock,” which is probably for the best, actually, because that movie looked not good also.

It’s like when they make a book into a movie, and then they go back and re-release the book with a cover that features the stars of the movie. I hate that. It’s so distasteful. If you see the movie and that inspires you to go and read the book, good for you. However, if you can’t be bothered to locate the book without having the stars of the film on the cover, then maybe you should take a long hard look at what exactly has gone wrong with your brain. I mean really, how hard is it to remember the title? It’s almost always the same as the movie.

And this is what I am telling you, Bradley. You are that reissued paperback book. It’s a vain attempt get some of the Hangovers street cred to rub off on the awful-looking Steve movie. The marketing powers that be not only don’t think that you have any fans from any of your previous work, they also seem to think that without prompting, no one will remember you were in a very popular film that came out mere months ago. And not only will they not recognize your name, apparently they might not even recall what you look like long enough to identify you in the trailer. So, like I said, you should object to the “The Hangover’s Bradley Cooper.” Come on man, you’ve been cast as Faceman in the new A-team movie. You’re better than that.

Kanye West doesn't care about anybody who isn't Kanye West

Dear Kanye West,

You know you're an asshole when you earn the censure of the music-entertainment community, which isn't exactly known for its manners. I know we should all be paying attention to more important things like health care reform, but your antics at the MTV Video Music Awards were beyond ridiculous. Are you so hungry for attention that you had to steal Taylor Swift's award-winning moment to declare Beyonce's "Single Ladies" video superior to hers? You actually grabbed the microphone out of her hands. Beyonce's gracious gesture of inviting Swift on stage to finish her speech later made you look like even more of a tool.

You've always been a piece of work, but you're also talented. In the past, people have given you a pass on your outbursts and declarations of awesomeness because you make good music. Plus, we expect musicians to be over the top, especially at a three-ring circus like the VMAs. But Swift seems like a nice girl, and bum-rushing the stage during her acceptance speech is something that an 8-year-old with impulse control issues would do. Actually, the 8-year-old might think twice about doing it, because someone at home would probably ground him or her.

I guess it's nice that you apologized via your blog — IN ALL CAPS! — but one gets the distinct impression that you're happy for the hit of publicity. It wasn't about Beyonce at all — it was about 'Ye! And what a great opportunity to take to the studio and strike back at the haters through song! In the meantime, you might want to watch out for all the angry 12-year-old girls who would love to take a whack at your kneecaps.

10 pm is a far different land than 11:30

Dear Jay Leno,

So, I saw you being interviewed by Bob Costas last night during halftime of Sunday Night Football on NBC. It was a lame attempt to promote your new show, which premieres tonight. I’ll start by revealing my preexisting bias…I’m not a fan. Actually, that’s an understatement. I do not think you are funny. I cannot recall the last time I watched your show, and it’s not just because I am old and working for the and therefore asleep at a ridiculously early hour. When I do stay up, I will watch The Daily Show or Adult Swim programming or Letterman, but never you, Jay. Not even the presence of a favorite actor or musical guest is enough to win me over.

This brings me to the problem with your new show. Actually, I have a lot of problems with it, starting with the fact that I wonder what in the holy hell NBC is thinking by cutting 5 hours of normal programming for this terrible sounding idea. I mean, not that I believe that any show they chose to put on would be even halfway decent, but at least there’s a one-in-five shot of another The West Wing or ER or Hill Street Blues.

But as usual, I digress. The main issue I have with the show is that, as I you pointed out in the interview, “it’s a comedy show, not a talk show” which means that there are no guests or interviews. And therein lurks the problem. A tempting actor or enjoyable band is, in fact, the only reason I would even consider watching the program. The rest of the show is crap. The monologue filled with insightful topical humor (politicians often contradict the things they say with their actions. Celebrities and athletes often behave badly in public. How comical!). Your cleaver parsing of comically worded headlines (they meant “duck” but they wrote “dick”! Ha ha!) And, worst of all, “Jaywalking”, a segment in which you go out into the streets and find people who are stupid and then display their stupidity on TV for the amusement of others. Didn’t anyone teach you that it is not nice to make fun of people? Even if they are fame whores who deserve it.

From what I understand, this new show will be almost entirely composed of the “funny bits” listed above. And, apparently, celebrities driving little green racing cars around? I don’t know… I wasn’t really following what you were saying to Bob Costas last night. I was distracted by the weird delay that caused the two of you to have to awkwardly pause before responding to questions, as if you were on an overseas phone call from 1963. And that was nothing compared to your “jokes” during that segment. They were horrible. A sample: “gee Bob, the Packers seem to have a really great quarterback playing for them tonight…Jay Cutler!” (Cutler, of course, was the quarterback for the Packers opponents, the Chicago Bears. He was having particularly bad night, which was good for Green Bay. See what he did there?) Oh, Jay. Five hours a week of that? Sorry, no can do.

You seem like a nice enough fellow, and you know, NBC is handing you this show, so it's not like I would expect you or anyone to turn it down (not to mention the boatloads of cash that I'm sure come along with it). But, that doesn't mean I have to watch it. I'm rooting for at least one good scripted, hour-long drama to emerge on some network to keep me entertained weeknightes from 10 -11.

Don't go into the light

Dear James,

In the spirit of inspirational zil, I must send you a letter to discuss your new film. This concern came about when my spouse (also known as The Beard) and I were watching your relatively recent interview with Conan O'Brien (on a strangely edited 33-minute version of The Tonight Show, offered here). Of course I understand you can't look like you did back in the day, and who am I to critique anyone's battle of the bulge, but your more mature look should not result in poor film choices.

Your C.V. is rock hard with greatness, the pimping/drug dealing Rip, in Less than Zero; the the sleazy preppie Steff in Pretty in Pink; the inside-trading friend Roger in Wall Street; the self-gratifying videographer Graham in Sex, Lies, and Videotape; the very demanding boss in Secretary; and in my heart the darkest of all, the mad driver James in Crash. So why have you chosen to star in a "family" flick? One called Shorts??

You are a fabulous actor and I appreciate all the upsetting roles you've brought alive on the screen and DVD. You didn't need to go down the kiddie entertainment route. You can't take this mistake back; you will forever be grouped with those actors who are now perfect for children, like Eddie Murphy and Antonio Bandaras. I'm sure these are nice guys to have around for brunch but they don't have the black soul of acting you have.

Please reconsider,
KMS

Chris Brown, Oprah will crush you like a bug

Dear Chris Brown,

You need a primer on contrition and a new career, because you are officially done. In fact, if you hadn't already committed career suicide by assaulting your ex-girlfriend, griping about Oprah in People magazine would have amounted to, well, career suicide.

You're peeved that the Queen of All Media dedicated a show to domestic violence and "all the Rihannas of the world," and you called it a "slap in the face." (You might want to avoid that phrase from here on out.) After all, you "did a lot of stuff" for O before the dustup, like going to her school in South Africa and performing!

Dude, no one is interested in your feelings of betrayal, and complaining about a show on domestic violence isn't exactly the path back into the public's good graces.

Good luck on the traveling gospel play circuit.